Friday, February 5, 2010
I am very sentimental! Cards and letters mean a lot to me. I guess because I feel like I communicate better through pen and paper. So words written to me, seem to penetrate my soul easier. I was shredding old bills from 2007 and stumbled upon a long letter. One that was written to me during a difficult time. I'll save the details of the letter out of respect for the person who wrote it. Lets just say the letter broke me to my core. Feelings of anger, bitterness, sorrow, confusion, retaliation, all were present during this reading and oh so many more!!! When I was finished, I immediately felt a weight. I felt alone! I feel to my knees by my bed and cried. It was despair I felt. I begged God to take me to the cross. I don't know why I kept saying that. Maybe out of comfort for what he had done for me there(saved) or maybe as a reminder of why he was there. (sin) You see this letter was written to somehow try to change me. A lot of it was very hurtful. More than I can express. A lot of it was scripture. Most of it was written as a one way view, feelings this person felt toward me. Anger and sadness were expressed throughout the letter. When I read the letter the day it was given to me, I loathed this person. I described this letter as hate mail and highlighted everything in the letter I disagreed with and left commentary as a side note as a rebuttal. I never did rewrite a letter and send back to this person because I knew that the words I would have written, could be keep and use against me one day and I probably would regret what I said. Maybe I knew deep down inside that my words would do little in changing this person or to get them to see my side. It's funny how reading the letter this time had so many more emotions. Different ones, I wasn't expecting. This letter was intended to hurt and indeed it did. Everything that was said became true! Every accusation became real. I was this person! I am this person! I loathed myself this time! I began to question my worth. I felt bad that people had to know me. I felt bad for my husband, that he had to love me. How could he? Surely there can not be someone as messed up as me! In my sorrow I called my mom. She is such a wonderful counselor. I can be so honest with her. I can unload everything. I feel bad that she is that person for me. I question calling her every time because I know the weightiness of what I can say could depress anyone. But my need to have a voice of reason takes over and I call anyway. After I explained everything to her she said something to me that brought me out of the misery. It caught my attention. She said you know we work so hard to forgive others but we forget to forgive ourselves. FORGIVE MYSELF? You see I had forgiven this person. One day through reading scripture I was so convicted I called to acknowledge my wrong doing. I said I was deeply sorry for any pain I had caused. We cried and promised we would never go down this road again. But I had not forgiven myself for what I did. What I had allowed to happen. Remember when I said I feel to me knees and cried and I kept saying take me to the cross. I needed to be reminded. The Holy spirit was speaking those words before I could put it all together. I was heard! In Romans 8:26 says" In the same way, the spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
At the cross Jesus spoke these words ( Luke 23:34) " Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Jesus wants forgiveness for us all. Even me! I know that Jesus died for my sins! I know that I will never be able to make myself better to the point were I no longer mess up or sin. I will never meet the standard of perfection that I so desperately chase. Perfection is only found in one. So as I close I will say! Good bye unforgiveness, Goodbye perfectionism,(JAMIE) Hello salvation, Hello perfection (JESUS)! Take me to the cross!
P.S. The letter was shredded!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
(Psalms 118:24) This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
This is another day that God has blessed me with. I will Glorify His name in the morning and at night! I will sing praise unto Him!
Each day is another day to watch my children grow and kiss their little faces. A chance to teach my children God’s word so that it is hidden in their hearts forever.
(Deuteronomy 11:18- 19) Fix these words of mine in your heart and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them to your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and get up.
Each day is a new day to submit to my husband. (Ephesians 5: 22) Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. This man who God has blessed me with, is my soul mate. My husband is the leader of this home and I am his helper.
Each day is another day to grow in my faith. With every new passage I read, a door to my heart is opened and His Spirit fills me up with conviction and overwhelming joy. The scripture humbles me before God. As I am confessing how low I am, he lifts my head, dries my tears of sorrow and enfolds me with His Love! He reminds me of my worth! (Romans 5:8) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. How can I argue this love for me?
Each new day is a day to show Christ with in me. To be, a beacon of light in this dark world. (Matthew 5: 14-16) You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise you Father in heaven.
Each new day is a day to Persevere! (Hebrews 12: 1) Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witness, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Each new day is a day to rejoice and be thankful! (Hebrews 12: 28-29) There fore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship “God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”
Still unending days of blessings are to come. I will be blessed with an opportunity to be with my Heavenly Father. (Daniel 7:18) But the saints of the Most High will receive the kingdom and will posses it forever- yes, for ever and ever.
Happy Thanksgiving! God is Good!
Monday, November 23, 2009
So in 2006, David's Navy base is scheduled to close. I believe this should have been an indicator of an declining economy. He has till the end of 2006 before his enlistment is up or he can request early out because of the situation. At this time, we are feeling a strong pull back to southwest. I'll give you our reason. He has served seven years. 1st half was deployment, 2nd half shore duty. After shore duty you will have to go back to a ship for another 4 yrs. We had been there, done that, and it wasn't fun. Doors were opening in New Mexico and closing in Alabama. Hence here we are!
This is were the story begins. The past 3 years have been vividly played out in my mind but at the same time a blur. 2006 was the beginning of my rough year and the beginning of my restoration. When we came back to New Mexico, lots of doors had been opened alright! Pandora's Box! All the stuff I had pushed aside from growing up here and family issues came rushing in like wild elephants, robbing my joy in the process. I was an emotional wreck. I had a baby, no house, no job, no support, no stiblity. My life was upside down!
At this time the housing market is sky high. Just to have something comparable to my house in AL, I was looking at 200,000. Big jump from our first buy! After leaving in-laws, with much heartache, we bought a fixer upper. It's all we could afford. For some reason renting was not an option for us. I guess we were trying to recreate what we left behind in Alabama. This reality was night and day though! I wish we would have taken pictures of this house before we started, but I dont think we wanted to remember the conditions out of pride.
2009, is when I got my life back! You see, I was miserable for 3 yrs. I have been a walking zombie! A prisoner in my own body! I allowed Satan to take away my joy. But guess what, I'm now learning that my joy comes from my precious Savoir. I have been broken down to shambles, to the point that there was no way for me to succeed on my own. My God wants better for me! When I was done feeling sorry for myself, God revealed to me that all the pain had been for a reason. I can look back and see how God has used these circumstances to pull me back to him. Our joy in Alabama was a blessing and our pain here is too! Eventhough I remince of how happy we were in Alabama, I'm happy to be here! I'm starting to love my house. It's no where near done and in a constant state of remolding. My husband has a great job which provides for us adequately. Our children are growing beautifully! Judianna has accepted Christ and has been baptized. Abram told me the other day he wants our house in Heaven. I guess It can't be that bad then! We have found a church that requires us to be involved, as it should. It's not a church full of lavish means but the word of God is there and convicts me most Sundays. I have met wonderful christian women and have made lasting friendships. Something I had wished for and never had. I'm in my bible everyday because of its healing powers. God's word speaks to me, God tells me the truth, God never leaves me, God always forgives! What I'm trying to say is, everything in Alabama was peachy! Everything in NM has not been so sweet! Am I a better person today though? Am I happier? Where does my joy come from now?
In closing I will rejoice in my restoration! I have found a new joy that has only been from reading God's word. He has filled me up! 2009, is the year of truth. The get down to the stuff, that really matters, year. I pray I never go back to the misery I allowed. Yes, I allowed! I hope that my story will remind you that happiness is a choice. It's were we put our focus. Paul's writings have spoken to me.
(2 corinthains 12: 9-10) " But he said to me, " my grace is suffiecent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power rest in me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insult, in hardship, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Thank you my Precious Redeemer for how you have made me weak so that through you I can be strong again! Amen
Thursday, March 12, 2009
One of my fondest memories as a child was the times my family would load up in a beat up van and head out to the mountains to discover nature, climb hills that to us seemed to be Mount Everest and pretend we were archaeologist with large collection of polished rocks and fossils. This past weekend I was able to watch my children enjoy that same since of adventure. Judianna (7yrs) was a little scared at first as we climbed but Abram (4yrs) lead the way as if he had been there and climbed it before. As we climbed higher we found little coves where we hide inside and took pictures. Crazy looking rocks that stood forty feet high in wide open areas appeared to have been placed and frozen for all to wonder in amazement of the Creator of our universe. The kids picked up rocks as we went along and Judianna insisted that she was going to find gold in dried up water ways. Even in my pessimism I hoped she would. As we got closer to the top we would stop to look down and see how far we had climbed. We all felt each little hill was a mile stone. Praising each other on how far we had come. It was so quite and the view of distant mesas helped to remind us of how small we really are. As we neared the top we realized there was no safe way to climb any further. We were feeling a little defeated but quickly reminded that we had climbed for a couple hours and cactus bushes were beginning to become invisible. Our little leader was soon reminded that those little thorny bushes we pointed out at the beginning of the trip really do hurt. Luckily they were mostly stuck in his pants. Heading back seemed much hard to me because of the loose sand and gravity. Dave soon learned that rocks that appeared to unmovable can quickly roll out from under you. From a glance he was gracefully walking on top of a rolling rock. It wasn't until he landed feet sprawled in either direction and practically laying on his neck that I realized what had happened. I was shocked, worried, and wondering how the paramedics would ever find us if he had a back or neck injury. After a minute of asking are you okay fifty times. He assured me he was and we all began to laugh! Just to let you know I got a picture of that also! The trip down went a lot faster than the trip up. Two hours up and thirty minutes down. Isn't funny how life is kinda that way. It feels like to takes forever to accomplish something. My Christian life has been a mountain. Always wanting to reach that top. Were God can say "well done my faithful servant". There has been many large cactus bushes in my path and plenty of times were I ended up on my back but through it all I have a Savior who picks me up attends to my wounds. So I'll close in prayer. Dear precious Heavenly Father, I humbly come before you announcing to the world that you Lord amazes me. That I am in constant awe of you! Thank you God for sending your son to die for a sinner like me. I thank you Lord that you dwell within me and that you will never leave me. Thank you for my husband and children! May I be what you want me to be. I say all this in your Holy name, amen